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Chris's peripheral neuropathy
My peripheral neuropathy was caused by d4T, or was it ddI? I forget, it’s such a long time ago.
The peripheral neuropathy I’ve experienced is different from that caused by HIV. The pain I’ve experienced sears through my big toes and top of my feet like hot cinders. It’s transitory, passing in barely a second.
It doesn’t sound like much, and goes unnoticed by people around me. Not surprising, as it normally just causes an involuntary twitch of the foot or leg.
My pain affects both big toes, and both feet, usually at the same time. It shoots across my instep and up into my calf muscles. There’s no way of predicting when the pain will occur or how long it will last for.
The problem’s not just the experience of the pain. It’s what it does to me. It saps my will to live. I wilt, I lose my ability to concentrate, I’m overcome by a desire to collapse into sleep. This can last for a whole day – a whole day I’ll never have again.
There are other physical symptoms as well. But these are more an expression of the emotional pain that peripheral neuropathy causes me. The pain forces a moan from my throat, my eyes smart with a deep searing wetness. Like the twitch in my leg or foot, all this goes unnoticed by the world around me.
People try to be helpful. A concerned friend recommended ibuprofen. “It’s not that kind of pain,” I reply. I don’t think she understood.