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Coping, by Frank
I started to write about my experiences of learning to cope with HIV some time ago. The unpleasant memories it forced me to recall upset me so much I had to take a break.
I was diagnosed with HIV in March 1991 after several months of ongoing severe flu-like symptoms. HIV wasn’t much spoken of then and I wasn’t really aware of it. Nor did I really think that I was at any real risk.
For the past year I’d been in a relationship which had recently ended after months of violence – included forced sex. My partner had not told me that he was HIV-positive and I’d not picked up on any clues to suggest that he might have HIV.
The disappointment and frustration of the relationship break-up had left me emotionally exhausted and physically weak. It was only some months later that I considered the possibility of HIV and asked my doctor for an HIV test, which was positive.
The consultant I was referred to was very supportive, and gave me time to ask questions. I pressed him for an indication of my prognosis, and he said that I could probably expect to live for another two years.
On the basis of this information, I made a will, distributed most of what I owned to family and others – and waited.
Fortunately I had some very good friends who I could confide in, and talking things over with them was the single greatest support I had during those awful months. It was a great relief just to be with them doing simple things, comfortable that they knew and understood me and what I was going through.
Gradually, I got stronger and was able to resume living a life and socializing. I began to enjoy each day as it came. I read a lot, and went away for holidays. I socialised with friends who understood my situation.
My friends knowing that I had HIV made a great difference. It meant that I could opt out of arrangements, leave dinner parties early, and, when I was on holiday, rest without people being offended. I could also take my medicines without explanation or embarrassment. That’s not to say I was a total bore – I did make an effort.
There were still some bad times when medicines caused serious side-effects. I tried to remove stress from my life by lightening my work-load and responsibilities.
There was also a void in my life – a lack of physical and emotional intimacy. For five years I was celibate.
Then, nine years after my diagnosis, I met my partner, Michael, and we have been very happy ever since. It helped that he knew my status from the start. We met with my consultant together and discussed my health. I believe firmly that his support and understanding, his affection and love have been the main factor in my well-being. His very interest in my health and well-being has been life-enhancing for me.
The medical staff, my family, friends and partner have each played their own invaluable, unique and greatly appreciated part in my survival for so long with HIV, and have wonderfully enriched my life.