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New life, New Fill, by Edwin
| Last updated: 14.02.06 |
I had almost died in 2001, but thanks to an eight-drug salvage regimen I came back to life. Still my body and face bore the scars of lipodystrophy: thinning legs and bum, evidenced by varicose veins in my shins; central fat gain, evidenced by the increasingly larger jeans and baggier T-shirts I needed to hide my growing belly; and then, finally, deep lines in sunken cheeks and the shape of my skull obvious at my temples. I started seriously working out at the gym and changed my diet, gaining muscle where some of the fat used to be in my thighs, bum, and arms, and I soon lost much of my central fat accumulation. But my face remained lined and I felt that I had lost my looks – something that, as a vain gay man, bothered me more than I care to admit. And as an eight-year relationship came to end in the winter of 2001, I felt that I was now destined to live this hard-gained new life alone.
I found myself not being able to look at photographs of myself that showed me smiling, since the lines in my face deepened. In fact, as I stood in front the mirror pulling back the skin on my cheeks to see what my face had looked like before, I made a decision to try and smile less in general.
At first, I turned down an offer of New Fill from my Brighton HIV doc, saying that there must be much worse cases of facial wasting than mine. But after meeting an acquaintance who had had the treatment, and was glowing with confidence, I found the guts to ask for New Fill and in February 2003, I had my first appointment with Dr Gillian Dean – Brighton's New Fill-experienced doctor.
The treatment was not pain-free, but not as bad as root canal treatment at the dentist. But after the treatment was over, I was led into a small room and left alone with a mirror. It didn't really register at first that it was I who looked back at myself. Then I noticed how full my cheeks looked –almost too full, actually. Had I turned into a chipmunk? Was this Dr Dean's first disaster? I turned away and looked back again, this time more admiringly. Yes, the wasting was gone, but as Dr Dean explained when I subtly mentioned how full my cheeks looked, the effect at first is the bulk of liquid that contains New Fill. After a while, the liquid becomes absorbed and what is left is a thickening of the skin: that is why it takes three or four New Fill treatments to reach the required thickness.
That night, I looked at myself for a long time and realised that what the New Fill had done was not just fill my face and erase what I considered to be battle scars inappropriate to the way I wanted to live my life today, but also give me back the self-confidence that the lipodystrophy had imperceptibly eroded.