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First refusal, by Alan
| Last updated: 08.06.06 |
I first refused any HIV drug therapy. There was only AZT in strong doses and from all what I’d read, although it might have delayed Aids a bit, it was at the price of toxicity. So while my T-cell count remained reasonably high, I wasn’t going to start any therapy. The important thing was regular monitoring every six months. I also kidded myself that I was going to be the exception and that my immune system would be strong enough not to absolutely succumb to the virus.
It was a numbers game. T-cell scores fluctuated between 450 and 800 and viral load between 2000 and 20,000. When it did hit 20,000 after eight years my consultant at the time was very keen that I get onto treatment. No way, I told myself, not without another viral load test. To my relief, it dropped back down. However, when the T-cells dropped below 250 and my viral load was hitting over 100k the alarm bells were clanging. I’d managed thirteen years without treatment.
Once you start that’s it, treatment for life. Then there is the side-effects issue and whether you’re going to be able to keep up the discipline. It meant facing up again to the reality that I really was ill and that the condition would get me if I didn’t act. The only way was to have a positive approach. Actually I had three key positives. These were the confidence I had in my then consultant; the support of my partner (now civil partner); and my ability to stick to something once I started it. The hospital put no pressure on me about starting HIV treatment. Their advice was that it was time to start treatment, but it was my decision. The pharmacists at the hospital were also unbelievably careful and caring; talking to me about my drug regime and how best to make sure I kept to routine. They answered question after question.
I’d had many healthy, treatment free years. If I now started HIV treatment, there seemed to be no reason why I shouldn’t stay well and live a normal life. It seems like an easy decision, but it still felt momentous.
The side-effects of nausea and some diarrhoea went on for about three weeks. The nausea was particularly awful. I just mentally gritted my teeth and tried to carry on with whatever I was doing knowing that the waves of nausea would pass after many minutes and that it was worth persevering with the drugs for the long term health. The tablets, fortunately only two twice a day, have become just part of the daily routine like breakfast or watching the news.